The Lord Almaty Life in Kazakhstan

1 month later

The Great Nation of the Republic of Kazakhstan is not at all like Borat but sometimes you have to wonder if Sascha Cohen could have made a funnier film if his wildly popular comedy were instead a documentary. Ask anyone on the street here how they feel about Borat and they will reply with a mixture of embarassment, indignation and more than a pinch of nationalism that the film is an absolute misrepresentation of their country. There are not only multiple facebook groups protesting Cohen's ridicule, but virulently nationalistic comments on news sites covering his film.  Despite the gross inaccuracy of Cohen's film, I have nonetheless had my fair share of comedic experiences.

This past week, my friend Dave visited me en route from his return from China to Australia. Having lived in Shanghai for the past two years, Dave commented that he was a little bored of Almaty already because of its "lack of stimulation." Compared to China's largest and most cosmopolitan city, Almaty does seem a little quiet. By day three of his visit here, Dave had already exhausted all of the major tourist destinations in Almaty. Last Saturday, we tried to catch an Aussie football match at Almaty's most famous expat bar -- Murphy's. On every door of the Irish themed establishment was posted an ad -- "You don't want to miss our trip this Sunday!" On a whim, Dave and I decided to buy tickets for this outing to Kapchagay Lake about 2 hours outside of Almaty.

The Sunday morning of the planned excursion, we arrive at Murphy's only to find that there was not a single expat who had signed up for this outing to Kapchagay Lake. Of the 14 people on our trip, all but 4 were middle-aged women. The waitress at the bar, Zarina, offered us some really good tea and we gladly accepted. I almost spat out the tea in surprise when the group of women who were sitting next to us immediately pulled out a half empty bottle of Hennesy X.O. and dumped in their respective tea cups. After downing their tea in a matter of seconds, one of the ladies -- who I shall call Lyudmila for the purposes of the blog -- washed down her cognac and tea mixture with a healthy swig of vodka from her hip flask. The ladies then proceeded to pull out their respective Kazakh sized shot glasses (BIG SHOT GLASSES) and fill them with cognac. Without so much as a grimace, these ladies pounded back another shot of cognac.

This incredible sport of rapidly getting wasted continued for another hour until Dave, the ladies and I boarded the bus. Despite being at least a decade old, the bus was decked out in blankets and cushions which made our ride very comfortable. Although they had  downed probably 5 or 6 Kazakh sized shots of hard alcohol thus far, the women seemed entirely sober. That was when the reality hit me -- Yes, I am in Kazakhstan and yes, I will be here for another year. Actually more than a year, but I try not to think about it like that.

The 2 hour bus ride helped break the ice. We all went through our respective introductions and I was pleasantly surprised to find that these ladies had an amazing command of English. I had only sat down for 10 minutes before Lyudmila invited me and Dave to down a shot of cognac with her. I decided against hard liquor at 10:45 in the morning, but Dave being an Aussie of Irish heritage couldn't resist. One of the Murphy's managers then opened a gigantic chest full of beer and offered Dave and I a Russian brew. Although I really did not want to drink, I reluctantly agreed to nurse a Derbes while Dave chose a Beliy Medved'.

If you did not know where Kapchagay Lake was, you would never be able to find it. Kapchagay Lake is in the middle of what seemed like an abandoned and dessicated industrial wasteland. For miles around the Lake resort complex, all you can see are dried weeds, dirt, and abandoned half finished buildings. Dave and I joked that we felt like we were being kidnapped. The lake itself, which is artificial, is absolutely gorgeous... some kind of oasis surrounded by gaudy condos in the middle of nowhere.

Immediately after arriving at the lake, the ladies enlisted our help to haul the massive chest of beers to the gazebo overlooking the lake where we had decided to set up camp. I kid you not, but the chest probably easily contained 200 beers for 14 people... Thats a lot of alcohol not even taking into account the "Roberto Cavalli" handles of vodka and the 8 bottles of brandy that we bought. Predictably, the ladies seemed unphased.

Despite warnings from the ladies that the water would be too cold to swim in, Dave and I found the water brisk and refreshing. After swimming around a bit, we were called over to have lunch. The lunch was a  ensemble of pickles, ripe tomatoes, boiled eggs, sliced onions, boiled potatoes and herbs like fresh dill, parsley and cilantro. Feeling a little more confident with some food in my stomach, I finally agreed to a few shots of brandy with Lyudmila.

After lunch, we enjoyed some time taking pictures by the lake. I think our group was a bit jealous that Dave and I swam in the lake so they asked us for "swimming lessons." I am not sure what they were up to so I politely declined their requests. Dave is always up for anything, and as a trained lifeguard, I don't think he could refuse their requests... All I can say is the whole swimming lesson interaction was more than a little flirtatious.

After the swimming lessons, we all sort of hang around the shore for a bit longer. Lyudmila continues to share generously her bottle of brandy with Dave. Dave by this point is out of his mind drunk and starts acting very strangely... Soon, the leader of our trip tells us that we need to go sailing. We were all in a drunken haze at this point and wobbled toward the sail boat. We were welcomed aboard by a man who Dave affectionately nicknamed "Ol'mate" -- an Aussie term for a cool older dude.

According to the Kazakhs, the movie Titanic is a huge part of American culture. As a result, we all did our own impression of the movie. This helped set the romantic mood for the rest of our sailboat trip.

All this Titanic talk gave the ladies the idea of playing a kissing game. Ol'Mate, the captain of our ship, was an eager participant in our grown up version of spin the bottle. Before its his turn to kiss the girls, he decides to pretty himself up and pulls out a comb to do his hair! When he kisses Maria, I think she is visibly wincing.

Needless to say, there was a lot of debauchery on the boat and I don't think I need to go into detail about what happened. What happens on Kapchagay Lake, stays on Kapchagay Lake. When we returned back to shore, we were drunker than ever since the ladies did not forget to bring lots of beer and brandy on board. However, it was about time to go as the sun had set. Dave and I, as the token foreigners, were asked to play a game with them. They tied on our limbs elastic nylon straps and asked us to take them off in a sexy manner. It was a strip tease dance off... Dave being the much more outgoing of the two us obviously won the strip tease competition. At the end, the ladies kept shouting "SHOW US! POKAZHI! SHOW US!" Soon afterwards, Dave lost his swimtrunks.

SHOW US SHOW US

On the way home, I asked if it was normal to have strip teases on these trips. They replied almost in unison, "Of Course! Why do you think we have handle bars in the bus?" And thus commenced the sexy dancing all the way back to the wonderful city of Almaty Kazakhstan.

I am looking very Kazakh

About Kirby

My name is Kirby and I am a recently graduated college. I received a Fulbright grant to study in Kazakhstan. This blog is my way of sharing with my friends and family my experiences in this country.